It's long been said that the most dangerous place in Washington is between Sen. Charles Schumer (D-N.Y.) and a TV camera.
With news of the resignation of the historically awful Sen. Harry Reid (D-Nev.), the odds are good that Schumer will now ascend to the role of Senate Minority Leader. Indeed, Reid—who's one clear accomplishment after 600 years in office was putting the late Robert Byrd to sleep while talking about soldiers and war—has anointed Schumer his preferred successor.
So what kind of leader is Chuck Schumer? He is among the very most trivial politicians to serve in that crucible of triviality, mediocrity, and dead weight we call the U.S. Senate.
No issue is too stupid or inconsequential for Schumer to weigh in on, inevitably calling for a ban or regulation that serves no other possible purpose than to shine a light on the glory and grandeur of Chuck Schumer.
If we are living in anything like a "Libertarian Moment"—that technologically empowered drive toward greater and greater control over more aspects of our lives and a period of increasingly individualized and hyper-personalized ways of living—Schumer has standing athwart history and yelling "Stop!" every second of the day, herniating himself in a mad dash to be in charge of everything everywhere. His efforts no doubt get in the way and slow down innovation, progress, and a truly plural society, but that he has so far been incapable of killing off the future completely is cause for celebration.
Here's a list of quickly ginned-up headlines of what our next illustrious Senate leader has been up to over his time in Washington. Add your own in the comments.
Senator Charles Schumer Condemns Delicious-Looking DetergentSchumer wants to ban high-powered green laser pointersSen. Charles Schumer Calls for a Ban on Powdered AlcoholSchumer calls on FDA to ban powdered caffeineSchumer Calls for Ban on Alcoholic Energy DrinksSchumer Pushes to Shut Down Online Drug MarketplaceSenator Schumer Says Bitcoin Is Money LaunderingCharles Schumer wants federal probe into airline fare prices
Chuck Schumer Takes On The FAA Over Drone RulesHigh-Frequency Trading Faces Challenge from SchumerFast-Food Bread a Concern, Schumer Calls for a BanChuck Schumer: No Four Loko for You, New YorkSenator Calls for 25 to Life [Video Game] BanSchumer wants to ban home-made bombsSen. Schumer wants to ban internationally produced Olympics uniformsSenators Call For An End To Payday Lending By Banks Chuck Schumer Engineers USDA Greek Yogurt SubsidySen. Chuck Schumer to introduce bill 10 banning flame retardants from kids' productsSen. Schumer: Ban Cadmium in Kids' Jewelry
All kidding aside, as a country we have a lot to be thankful for, a lot to be proud of, and a lot to be ashamed of.
And we have even more to be embarrassed by. Which brings us back to Chuck Schumer, our next Senate Minority Leader and a demonstrated foe of just about every possible innovation or reality that for whatever furshlugginer reason drives a bug up his ass. Including that time he called a flight attendant "a bitch" because she was enforcing a cell phone ban that I'm sure he's totally in favor of for everyone else.
If we have become an increasingly trivial country incapable of dealing with serious issues at all, much less in a rational and deliberate way, then we've really found our guy.
UPDATED: "Schumer calls for federal review of grill brush safety, possible recall." (Hat tip: @mermaz)
Watch Buzz Bowl I: Four Loko vs Joose, featuring Chuck Schumer:
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